Quantum Lives???

There is not a lot going on in my life at this moment that occupies my brain enough (apparently) because I have been, once again, pondering quantum physics - quantum lives if you will.

I was considering the 'stalker' of that 16 (17?) year old gymnast who is on Dancing with the Stars. He (reportedly) believes she talks to him with her mind, that they will be married, and she will bear his child(ren). He has been called delusional - and in this life he is. But what if the thing we call 'mental illness' is really connection to other lives we are living at the same moments, on different planes? What if on some other plane she does talk to him, they are married and she is pregnant?

It rather puts a whole different spin on dreams too. Perhaps they aren't just the musings of a sleepy mind. Perhaps they are glimpses of other lives. Perhaps it explains why it is one day we cannot do something, and the next we can. Why it is that I 'figured out' how to cook things I have never (in this life) seen cooked, not even on Food Network, and while my versions won't rival your best restaurants, I dare say they would beat the cheaper ones.

The Fed place I am temping at is hiring. It isn't attorney positions. I have applied for two positions - please PLEASE! keep good thoughts going for me for these. One of them. I don't know that I care which. Either will get my foot in the door.

Blessedly the process is easier now. The several long exhaustive essay questions they required on one application I did for some federal position last year took me FIVE HOURS to complete. I literally had to take a lunch break! Now there are 2 essays. And several questions to answer, but again, perhaps 1/5th of what was required on that other application I prepared. And I copied & pasted they essay answers so I could just pop them in the 2nd application. (yes, same questions.)

The attorney who works most closely with we temp attorneys offered to let me use her as a reference on these apps. I was going to ask, but she offered before could. :-) That made my day yesterday.

Perhaps, if I get one of these, I can get things straightened out here.

Let's keep good thoughts going for each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing new to add today

I have no new complaint or observance. I am tired. I am working overtime for the Fed's and teaching 2 nights a week. If I could keep the fed job, and continue to teach, I could work something out with the creditors . . . catch up a bit with the tax refund. But, the tax refund will be put away so that I can keep the lights on and food in the cupboard after the temp job ends.

Did I mention I am tired? '

Have a lovely weekend, the first this Spring!

In the best interest of creditors

I would like someone to explain to me how it is creditors, especially credit card companies, lay the blame for this economy, for the lack of jobs, for not having unlimited resources, at the feet of the ones they extended credit to?

As I have explained a thousand times, it seems, to various callers, THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN. I did not plan to spend 3 hard years in law school, living on loans and credit, to graduate just as the bottom fell out of this economy! I did not work that hard only to have my reputation ruined thanks to unemployment.

THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN.

I am one of the folks who, in this hurricane of an 'economic downturn', is sitting in a little rowboat in the ocean. The reward I worked so hard for is on the shore, slowly being washed away by the crashing waves. Others are in mighty sea worthy ships. Others secured permanent full-time jobs before the crash (as I thought I had.) My little rowboat has taken on water. One of my creditors this morning refused a payment from me. They felt they were being nice, letting me know that my offered payment was too little to make any difference in the monstrous wave they are sending my way.

THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN.

I will, in the next few weeks, file bankruptcy it seems. I am frankly heartbroken. This is the ultimate (in my mind) financial failure that I have been trying so hard to AVOID by continuing my education.

THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN.

It is not what I want to do. I would much prefer if this company would take my inadequate payment as a token, a gesture, a promise that I don't want to walk away from this bill. It would be like getting the $100 promise ring from your lover when you were hoping for a $20,000 diamond wedding set. I know that. But it would be SOMETHING.

How was I to know four years ago when I applied to law school that this was going to happen? Four years ago the country was wondering (again) how "W" made it to office, how much longer the war with Iraq would go on, and purchasing, or making payments on, car loans with 0% interest w.a.p. Things looked good. I was one of the ones who got a brand new car for 0% interest, my credit was that good. Now the car, the old girl, is seven years old and needs work.

Tell me how it is more acceptable to these creditors, to the ones who extended this credit to me and folks like me, to not accept even de minimis payments? We are all going to have to ride out this storm together. If they simply force people into bankruptcy, they will not see a return on most of what they have lent. Why not take the de minimis payments and let us ride out this storm with them?

A woman I spoke with this morning who threatened me by telling me that I should know that not paying my bill was only going to make it impossible for me to sit for the bar exam (she was not listening to me, only speaking her spiel and reading her computer screen), also told me that I was going to have to pay income tax on anything they write off.

Here we go. They get to claim the loss on their taxes. There IS an economic profit for them when they do not ride out the storm with us. Why is it okay for them to not ride out this storm with us? We did not create the storm (though some of them certainly played some part in this storm's creation.)

Fingers are pointed back and forth at this politician and that bank, or people who are over extended on credit, blame trying to find a home.

We ALL are part of this. We ALL should ride this out together. Credit card companies included.

Mixed Emotions - it's a rollercoaster

There are many things about this economic downturn that I do not like. Many, many things. But the emotional roller coaster it puts you on may be the most destructive.

Yesterday, at the Temp Fed Job, one of the attorneys came to the 'office' of the temp attorneys with a notice of a job fair next week. She suggested that we apply if we would like, and that in the end, any position could lead to an attorney position. Cool. Three of us expressed some interest. I worked hard yesterday, and at some point realized that the attorney there is beginning to rely on me to help the others with computer stuff.

This morning when I got in, two of the attorneys who expressed interest (I was the third) were called in to the Fed Attorney's office. I do not know why. I have no idea why. But, because they were two who verbally expressed interest yesterday, I suspected it had to do with the job fair. And that I was not included.

This springs from having 'lost' (was not offered anything, I'll give you that) a position at the law firm I clerked at last May, and paranoia set in. My stomach is still upset.

The "lost position" last year was with the law firm I was a paralegal for years before law school. I clerked there off and on during law school. Clerked there virtually my entire 3rd year of law school. The senior attorney at that office told me no less than twice that I needn't look for another job. And I didn't.

Being the helpful soul that I am , when an attorney he used to work with was laid off from her job, I instigated getting the two of them together and, yes, she was rehired. He also hired another attorney he had worked with before I ever set foot in the office. When graduation was just a day or two away, he finally talked to me about a position with his firm . . . and told me he didn't need me. I told him I just needed to know if I had a position , any position with the firm (he hired one attorney as a paralegal/attorney at one point, and he mentioned that possibility at some point months before). He got really stupid, said that I had "interrupted him" and that he wasn't going to discuss this when I was "in a mood." I wasn't in a 'mood'. I was scared. I was frustrated. I was not interrupting him nor was I acting out. I merely asked a question. He, on the other hand, yelled, acted out, and ended the meeting.

I didn't wait around to find out when he would calm down or what, if anything, he might offer. I turned in my keys and left. My semester had ended and that had been our deal - that I would clerk during school.

So, yeah, today at the Temp Fed Job, scared me. I felt like I was back at that firm, training people, being helpful, hoping to be treated right . . .

I have to have faith and wait.

Having faith, trusting in Karma/Goddess/God/the Universe (choose your spiritual flavor) is hard. We've all been kicked before, I know this. I just want the kicking to stop!

I don't even want to appear to be someone's doormat again.

:-(

Happy Exhaustion :-)

It is ten at night, and I've just gotten home in the last few minutes. I am eating dinner, trying to anyway, before I fall over asleep.

One of the things I did not know about working for the feds is that when you are a temporary employee, there for a specific task, there is a certain number of hours approved for you to work. And, in this case anyway, the number of hours are more or less set in stone. Of the eight of us working in my group, no less than three of us have taken time off to take care of an illness, an accident or an emergency at home. We are suppposed to make up that time. So, this week, I have been making up time the I missed last week. It has not been easy. Saturday, as you probably know, was the "time change" and we lost an hour. What a crock of crap!!! I never lose JUST an hour when we "spring forward". There are HOURS of sleep lost this time of year.

I have a bit of insomnia anyway, and generally wake around 2 a.m. I am (all too often) awake for an hour (or more on really bad nights). With the time change, 2 is 3. With the time change, I could not go to sleep Sunday evening. And with the 'emergency at home' last week, I needed to rise early Monday and begin the task of making up time. So, when I woke at "2:30" the clock read "3:30" and I was supposed to get up at 4:30. Yeah. I woke up at 3:30 Monday morning.

Monday night, neither my son or I could get to sleep. So, Monday night was short sleep. Last night, blessedly I slept.

Tonight, I went straight from working for the feds, to my part-time teaching position. The positions are in different states. The same metropolitan area, but different states. There is 1/2 an hour between leaving one place and needing to be at the other place. No time for dinner.

Sigh

So, I eat now, sure to regret it about 2 a.m. (or is that 3 a.m.???) Tomorrow, I teach again. We'll see how this goes. So far, so good. I want to enjoy teaching. I have wanted to teach for so long! One night will not tell me all I need to know though, so I will remain cautious.

Do not be winnowed in these tough times!!! (Iwill try to explain that next post.)

It's Monday

So it seems to me that my life is either too busy or in a state of waiting.

Today, I found out that the woman who told us, on the day we started the temp job, that it was payday that day, and that we would not receive a check for 4 weeks was wrong. We should be getting paid tomorrow, and (hopefully it goes as planned so that) the money will just BE THERE when I wake. WHICH will mean, ta da! I can pay some bills. AND can purchase the Turbo Tax program, file my taxes and get my refund.

With my tax refund I am going to get the mortgage caught up, and purchase some underwear. Seriously. I haven't bought new underwear in a LONG time. No, not weeks -months. many many months. It's been more months than I care to tell you. I recall one of my law professors saying one day that bedsheets should be trashed after 1 year's use (she would faint at the sheet I have from a bridal shower from my FIRST marriage! It's never used, I just can't throw it away.) I can't imagine how long her standard for keeping underwear is, but I am certain the pairs I have are beyond her expiration date.

I am rambling. I am just so relieved that I am getting money tomorrow (or should be!) that I earned. It's really been too too long.

The boy, the 11 year old boy who will NOT stop being irritating (he is at this moemnt tickling my foot) needs attention. :-)

Just Thursday

I realized today just how busy I will be for the next few weeks.

As I think I said before, I have a couple of clients. I've had ten or twelve altogether, but only two or three are active at this time. I am also working a temporary attorney position at a government agency. It is only supposed to last 6 weeks (I am hoping it lasts 6 years at this point) and we are nearly three weeks into that time. Next week I will start teaching part-time at night.

Now the government job holds back an entire month of pay before you get a check. The college is the same, I believe. And my clients . . . well too many of them haven't paid me a dime. One, God love her, is a relative and apparently has some idea that because I got through law school I have money. This simply isn't so. I blew my entire wad, as well as every dime of credit available to me to get through law school. She probably makes more than me driving a school bus right now (I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not.) Plus, now, having very little income (less than I made as a paralegal) folks want to be paid.

Yeah, me too. The government pay check is still nearly 2 weeks away. And it is one of about 3 I will get. Then that gig will probably be over (cross your fingers for me that it isn't.)

Okay, the boy wants attention. Perhaps more later.

The Economy

This is my favorite bitch session topic at the moment. I will likely post about this more than once.

A couple of days ago I posted about the job interview I had to turn down. Being desperate for a full time, permanent job, I am sure there is someone out there whose brain screams "why!!???" Believe me, mine did too.

When I sent off my resume/applied for the position, the job description stated that this state-position could be virtually anywhere in the state, and to please post my preference(s) as to location. I did so. When I got the call for the interview, I asked a couple of questions. First, the particular positions the state is fillling at the moment are all in our state capital. Interviews would take place for approximately a one week period, offers would go out within a week after that, and the jobs begin within two weeks after that.

In other words, I would have had to move within a two to three week period.

There are a few things wrong with moving that quickly, some of which can be overcome. Two things, in my mind could not. First, moving and leaving behind ANY dwelling is hard to do in a two week period. Even a landlord requires 30 days notice, at the very least. Add in that I am purchasing this house, that the economy is depressed, home sales are depressed, and moving that quickly looked like it would also equal having a house payment here AND paying rent in the new place for an undefined period of time. The new position being offered, was being offered at what I think of as 'new attorney minimum wage', about $38k a year. It would be hard making ends meet on that salary with just one rent/house payment a month. That is one.

The second reason, and the one that I could not get around, is that our state requires (not suggests, requires) that a divorced parent provide the other parent 60 days notice of a move. There are arguments to be made, for certain, about lack of employment, depressed economy, etc., but in the end, making a move can equal change of physical custody of the child. That is too high a price to pay even if the job paid $120k a year.

I made the decision in the seconds I had to either turn it down or schedule an interview. I went back to my work area at the temp job, and told the other temporary attorneys that our state had potential jobs available. I waited a few minutes, then went to the bathroom and cried, my father's voice in my head, in that snide tone he used, "you go where the jobs are. period. beggers can't be choosers." Being a mom IS a 'job'. It is the most important job I have. It is the one that comes first, before all else.

It is NOT that I would not move for a job. But I need more than two weeks to make a move.

It also is NOT that I would stand in my son's way if he decided to live with his father (I would make certain he really wanted that.) However, there are extenuating circumstances that would make me consider trying to keep that from happening. In my heart and head I do not believe he would be safe with his father.

And so, for now, the job hunt in this depressed economy continues.

Bad Day

Today was a truly bad day.

If the old saying "it is always darkest before the dawn" holds any truth at all, then awesomely bright sunshine should be lighting my life very very soon.

Actually I've had a string of not-so-great days in a row. About 10 months worth so far.

Yesterday, trying to conserve as much as possible, I was attempting to remove spaghetti from the pot w/o draining the water into the sink as I had more pasta to cook. I ended up putting my finger into the boiling water. It still hurts.

Today? I had to turn down a job interview. Why? Because it would have ended up being a choice between my son and the job. My son won that battle (one he didn't and does not know about) hands down, no questions asked. [I wonder sometimes if my older girls know that I made similar decisions for them when they were younger? Probably not.]

There is also an issue with the water bill. Unpleasantness.

It makes no sense to me that I can be this educated and this broke all at the same time. Well, I expected to be broke after law school, but expected to be PAYING my bills and be broke, not the situation I am in.

*huge rumbling sigh*