Mixed Emotions - it's a rollercoaster

There are many things about this economic downturn that I do not like. Many, many things. But the emotional roller coaster it puts you on may be the most destructive.

Yesterday, at the Temp Fed Job, one of the attorneys came to the 'office' of the temp attorneys with a notice of a job fair next week. She suggested that we apply if we would like, and that in the end, any position could lead to an attorney position. Cool. Three of us expressed some interest. I worked hard yesterday, and at some point realized that the attorney there is beginning to rely on me to help the others with computer stuff.

This morning when I got in, two of the attorneys who expressed interest (I was the third) were called in to the Fed Attorney's office. I do not know why. I have no idea why. But, because they were two who verbally expressed interest yesterday, I suspected it had to do with the job fair. And that I was not included.

This springs from having 'lost' (was not offered anything, I'll give you that) a position at the law firm I clerked at last May, and paranoia set in. My stomach is still upset.

The "lost position" last year was with the law firm I was a paralegal for years before law school. I clerked there off and on during law school. Clerked there virtually my entire 3rd year of law school. The senior attorney at that office told me no less than twice that I needn't look for another job. And I didn't.

Being the helpful soul that I am , when an attorney he used to work with was laid off from her job, I instigated getting the two of them together and, yes, she was rehired. He also hired another attorney he had worked with before I ever set foot in the office. When graduation was just a day or two away, he finally talked to me about a position with his firm . . . and told me he didn't need me. I told him I just needed to know if I had a position , any position with the firm (he hired one attorney as a paralegal/attorney at one point, and he mentioned that possibility at some point months before). He got really stupid, said that I had "interrupted him" and that he wasn't going to discuss this when I was "in a mood." I wasn't in a 'mood'. I was scared. I was frustrated. I was not interrupting him nor was I acting out. I merely asked a question. He, on the other hand, yelled, acted out, and ended the meeting.

I didn't wait around to find out when he would calm down or what, if anything, he might offer. I turned in my keys and left. My semester had ended and that had been our deal - that I would clerk during school.

So, yeah, today at the Temp Fed Job, scared me. I felt like I was back at that firm, training people, being helpful, hoping to be treated right . . .

I have to have faith and wait.

Having faith, trusting in Karma/Goddess/God/the Universe (choose your spiritual flavor) is hard. We've all been kicked before, I know this. I just want the kicking to stop!

I don't even want to appear to be someone's doormat again.

:-(