ill equipped

I am ill equipped to handle this day.

It is Monday, another Monday without adequate employment. I am not sleeping well (again), the insomnia is beginning to return. Keeping my chin up is harder on Mondays than most days.

The career services director from my alma mater called today. She had been contacted by a reporter who is doing a report on recent law school grads who have opened their own law offices. I begged off, telling her that things are not going well. She asked if it was difficult to find clients. I told her it is. Somewhere in there I told her I am preparing to file bankruptcy, and that I am asking my litigation clients to find another attorney as I cannot advance case expenses.

Some how knowing something and saying it to someone else is different enough to bring on tears. Massive tears. At first it was just a few. And then I hopped in the shower. The sobbing started there. It is easier to cry in the shower isn't it? Anyway, the tears have come in waves, off and on all day. My eyes are puffy, my nose is runny. I look like I am ill.

I want to be done with this part of my life. If that means I have to give up being an attorney, I am willing to do that for some peace and security.