The good, the bad, the unnecessary . . .

I am trying to embrace the time off, the rules of the unemployment office, and the impending bankruptcy (the attorney I called and I keep playing phone tag.) It is hard, in my opinion, to embrace things we do not want in our lives. It is so much easier to slip off the edge into depression. But it's not as easy to slip from depression into something deeper, something requiring good meds and a soft room.

There is a bouncy bottom to depression. Most people, I think, hit that bouncy bottom, and don't slip further down that slope. The bouncy bottom is named Hope. Sometimes Hope sucks a big green donkey dong. Seriously. How many times can you bounce before you are sick of the ride? Sick of the ride and begin to desire the muck of falling deeper into some mental disability?

Something, who knows what, has kept me from sliding off that rubbery bottom and completely into the muck. I have very good friends. And my family is around a bit . . . more than they've been in a while. And, despite this feeling of death, of some part of me dying, I am not dead. I must go on. The part of me that died had apparently outlived its usefulness.

I have things to do, decisions to make. I have time, finally, to get rid of the rest of the crap my ex-husband left in this house. No money to do it with, but I'll figure something out I guess. I've gotten rid of a LOT of it. He had a 2 car garage packed full, plus stuff (computer parts, broken furniture) around the house. After he moved, the garage was still mostly full, just not to the ceiling anymore. We, the kids and I, threw away a lot of it or gave it away, but there are still things down there that need to be tossed or given away. And then there are the things he left to be spiteful, the things he kept for no good reason; the old twin beds, the mostly used cans of paint, used tires. The computer parts are mostly gone. I thought completely gone, but there is still a very old monitor and some other stuff downstairs.

You know, that is a good analogy for this guy. He kept everything, the good, the bad, the unnecessary. Then, instead of sorting through and keeping the good and useful, he would just grab what he needed at the moment and move on. He certainly treated the marriage that way. When he did not understand something, instead of discussing it with me, he would make decisions on his own, and then expect everyone else to know what they were, agree to them, and follow them. He 'grabbed what he needed' and left the rest behind. Including me.

It's a huge "whatever" except that I am still having to walk around the crap he left in the garage. Most days I haven't wanted to look at it. I still don't want to, but it needs to leave and he sure isn't coming back to get it.

Standstill

At a standstill.

I feel like I am, though I know that I am not. There are things I am doing. But the fed job ended on Friday and amazing amounts of anxiety took its place.

Yesterday I applied for jobs, some of which are the exact things I do not want to do as an attorney. I do not have a choice. I've applied for similar positions (meaning other positions which are not what I want) but for some reason one of them really got to me. I cried. Not that crying is something odd around here these days.

I also attempted on about 20 ocassions to access the Unemployment website. It was down most of yesterday, and by the time I got in it was so late I was too tired to deal with all the information.

There are other jobs to apply for. Some of which require information from the fed agency I worked at (and may be recalled to, who knows?) I am trying to get that form, but it is being difficult to obtain.

And there is a bankruptcy claim to file. I could do it myself, and may, but I do not know the ins and outs of the bankruptcy system. A friend who does has given me some names of attorneys who could assist. It is difficult to think of paying someone to do something when the cash in the bank is all I can count on for now, and for an unknown time into the future.

Needing to sell the house is a very real possibility. If I were to be offered one of the jobs I've applied for - and take it - it would mean moving anyway. Moving worries me. I suspect my son's father would attempt to take residential custody of our boy. And so far as my girls go . . . well one of them frequently stops talking to me anyway, but the other has become a friend. I will miss them both as I do not believe they will often visit if I have to move.

I have said, because it is true, that everytime I have gone to school, I've lost someone. Attending law school has cost me a great deal. So much more than I was willing to 'spend'. You cannot know the full price of something until the deal is done. This was too much. Too much and I cannot rewind time. There is no do-over.