Standstill

At a standstill.

I feel like I am, though I know that I am not. There are things I am doing. But the fed job ended on Friday and amazing amounts of anxiety took its place.

Yesterday I applied for jobs, some of which are the exact things I do not want to do as an attorney. I do not have a choice. I've applied for similar positions (meaning other positions which are not what I want) but for some reason one of them really got to me. I cried. Not that crying is something odd around here these days.

I also attempted on about 20 ocassions to access the Unemployment website. It was down most of yesterday, and by the time I got in it was so late I was too tired to deal with all the information.

There are other jobs to apply for. Some of which require information from the fed agency I worked at (and may be recalled to, who knows?) I am trying to get that form, but it is being difficult to obtain.

And there is a bankruptcy claim to file. I could do it myself, and may, but I do not know the ins and outs of the bankruptcy system. A friend who does has given me some names of attorneys who could assist. It is difficult to think of paying someone to do something when the cash in the bank is all I can count on for now, and for an unknown time into the future.

Needing to sell the house is a very real possibility. If I were to be offered one of the jobs I've applied for - and take it - it would mean moving anyway. Moving worries me. I suspect my son's father would attempt to take residential custody of our boy. And so far as my girls go . . . well one of them frequently stops talking to me anyway, but the other has become a friend. I will miss them both as I do not believe they will often visit if I have to move.

I have said, because it is true, that everytime I have gone to school, I've lost someone. Attending law school has cost me a great deal. So much more than I was willing to 'spend'. You cannot know the full price of something until the deal is done. This was too much. Too much and I cannot rewind time. There is no do-over.