Today has been a day of reflection for me. I am tired of reflection. No, not really. I am tired of the feelings that bring on reflection, tired of the blues it brings on. That is a bit backward. One of my brothers (the one I sent the Reading Vacation to) responded. There is still so much pain, so much anger in all eight of us (yes, Tara is based on me) that it remains hard to be connected to one another.
Sometimes I wish I could forget all this. I yearn for a day when I am not the survivor of so much childhood abuse. When I can just BE who I am and not have it be affected by those past experiences. But it cannot be. Not in this life. Perhaps in some quantum life our father did not continue the cycle of abuse onto us eight. Perhaps in some other life he actually appreciated who he had in his life, cared for our mother, and took care of us all.
Today, I want just to leave. It's my self-protection, leaving, flight. I don't stand and fight as much as I should probably. If I could leave this stressful time, I would.
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